The humor squeezed from the parenting experience doesn’t generally make for great dad jokes. Make no mistake: Dumb puns are great. But parent humor and dad humor are two different genres and the former thrives, like despots, “thought leaders,” and trolls, on Twitter, which has become a place for mothers and fathers to vent. At the best, Parenting Twitter is like NBA Twitter minus the beef, a broth-y stew of zingers and self-owns presided over (inevitably) by a benign queen named Chrissy Teigen.
In 2018, Fatherly scoured Twitter for the best jokes. Why? It’s better than doing real work and way better than changing diapers. What follows is a comprehensive roundup of the year’s best dad tweets, mom tweets, and exasperated, sleep-deprived person losing their mind tweets. These mini-missives might not be high art, but at least tweets can remind us that we’re all in this thing together.
Here are the funniest 100 parenting tweets of the year.
100. I Saw the Sign
The 6yo figured out she can sneakily stick a note on someone’s back. But she doesn’t know they should say things like “kick me,” so they just have space facts on them.
— Bobby Yaga (@mcnees) December 16, 2018
99. True Horror
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 27, 2018
98. Surely You Joust
[family game night]
Wife: I don’t think this is suitable
Me [opening visor]: jousting is part of our heritage, Linda
— The Dad (@thedad) January 8, 2018
97. Edible Glitter
My 5-year-old called sprinkles "food glitter" and I've never been more impressed or horrified in my life.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2018
96. That’s a Wrap
My kids can always tell which gifts I wrapped because they look like I covered them in glue and rolled them down a hill of wrapping paper and tape.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 17, 2018
95. School’s Out
Me: my kids don’t go back to school until January 8th.
911 Operator: Oh God.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 3, 2018
94. Wood Penguins
I generally think of myself as an okay father but somehow I forgot to teach my two year old son what an owl was and he thought it was called a wood penguin
— non podHORRORetz 🎃 (@crookedroads770) June 10, 2018
93. Karate Kid
Go to kids’ karate classes and keep screaming “FINISH HIM!”
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 8, 2018
92. Weight Loss
Kids: Dad, you look like you've lost weight.
Me: Really? You think so?
Wife [from bedroom]: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SPANX?
Me: hide me
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2018
91. Look Out Below
Me: Do you understand what it means when living things die?
Me: So where do you think things go when they die?
Me: Our basement?
Son: Yes. My basement.
Me: Coolcoolcool. Ok. Goodnight.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) November 8, 2018
90. Five-Day Rule
I wish someone would invent a way to make french fries that you find under your kids' car seats delicious again.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 4, 2018
89. A Fresh Perspective
The sooner parents realize their kid’s closet and dresser are basically wearable napkin dispensers, the sooner they’ll start living in reality.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) May 29, 2018
88. Play the Lottery
12-yr-old: “How come you play the lottery but never let us play the claw machine games because you say it’s a waste of a dollar?”
Me: *Stares blankly ahead trying not to make eye contact*
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) May 24, 2018
87. Tuck Everlasting
ME: *tucks my kid into bed*
KID: You really don’t need to do this anymore.
KID’S SPOUSE: You don’t even live here.
— The Pale Space Rider is a Troll Now (@truegritrumble) January 8, 2018
86. Toilet Paper
If your toilet paper roll looks like this… you probably have kids pic.twitter.com/34G2dVdJLh
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 23, 2018
85. So Sweet
My favorite thing my daughter says to me every single day is "when you die I'm going to get all your money. Have a good sleep."
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) May 9, 2018
84. Dad to the Bone
Whichever dad has the best step ladders in the neighborhood gets to ride his lawnmower shirtless on the weekends.
— The Pale Space Rider is a Troll Now (@truegritrumble) January 5, 2018
83. New Skills
7yo: Do you *always* have to be sarcastic?
Me: Do YOU?
7yo: No. Am I being sarcastic right now?
Me: Yeah, kind of…
Wife: I’d like a lot less sarcasm around here, from both of you!
Me: (to 7yo) Don’t worry, she’s being sarcastic.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 16, 2018
82. Shout It Out
"Stop shouting!!" is one of my favorite things to shout at my kids.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 21, 2018
81. My Compliments to the Chef
I wish instead of complaining about needing groceries my kids would just be quiet and eat their angel hair pasta with bbq sauce.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 8, 2018
80. Finally Ready
The Boy Scouts are dropping the word 'Boy' from their name and within seconds my dad called me to say, "Looks like they're finally ready for ya."
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) May 7, 2018
79. Prison Rules
This one time, my toddler walked up to me, took a bite out of my sandwich, and then stared me down as he chewed.
I shouldn't be proud of thinking this but he would do GREAT in prison.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 8, 2018
78. Help Wanted
Imagine having an Amazon Alexa in your house, except whenever you asked it a question it would give you a completely unrelated answer. Or it would say no. Or it would scream.
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) December 5, 2018
77. Shit Happens
Top reasons my 2-year-old walks over to see me:
3) She loves me.
2) She thinks I'm fun to be around.
1) She just pooped.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2018
76. Ye Olde Parenting Dilemma
Parenthood is like living in medieval times because you deal with plagues all year and are basically a serf to miniature tyrants.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 26, 2018
75. Very Tight
IT'S A THERMAL BASE LAYER!!
I shout over the sounds of my daughters singing, "daddy's wearing tights!"
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 7, 2018
74. Tit for Tattoo
I try not to project too many of my own expectations on my kids, but I do secretly hope that whatever tattoos they get aren’t too stupid
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 16, 2018
73. Great Hiding Place
We keep all our alcohol in the vegetable drawer because we know the kids will never go in there.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 15, 2018
72. What’s in a (Nick)Name?
My nickname at home is "what's the wifi password?"
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 19, 2018
71. One Simple Trick
Avoided a weekend youth soccer game for a 78th consecutive weekend by not having my kids signed up for youth soccer
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) April 15, 2018
70. We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes
My toddler just yelled, “I’m not crazy!” at whoever he was pretending to talk to on his phone
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 28, 2018
69. Pirate Parenting
In a fantastic turn of events, the too many pirate shows my kid watches have prompted him to discard the word "yes," for the phrase "aye aye!"
— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 3, 2018
68. The Sound of Silence
Even people who never want to have kids, may everyone know the peace of a house with a child asleep.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) March 27, 2018
67. Two for One
Nothing better than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 24, 2018
66. If It Ain’t Broke
72% of parenting is asking kids how something got broken…and then listening to them lie about it.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 6, 2018
65. Real Accomplishments
Happy to announce I can finally feel proud of my teen son again, now that he has the John Wick skin in Fortnite.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2018
64. Early Bedtime
At the end of the day we all want our children to be happy and healthy… and to go to bed early so we can eat junk food and watch grown-up shows in peace.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 4, 2018
63. Horse Sounds
3-year-old: Want to hear my horse sounds?
Me: That's talking.
3: It's a talking horse.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2018
62. Ball Is Life
Curious how long it will take for my wife to comment on the fact that I've set up a children's adjustable basketball hoop in the middle of our living room.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 29, 2018
61. People Helping People
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) March 21, 2018
60. So Sue Me
they cancelled school here in houston so my kids are home again right now and honestly i think i might sue HISD for this
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) January 16, 2018
59. (Bed)Time is a Flat Circle
And for my next magic trick I'll turn my children into starving, dehydrated philosophers who need to pee a lot, by simply using two magical words, "It's bedtime."
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 25, 2018
58. Let It Snow!
My 7yo’s so excited there might be a snow day that he went to bed early.
I’m so excited he went to bed early that I didn’t tell him school’s already canceled.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 20, 2018
57. This Is My Jam
12YR OLD: dad, what's the difference between grape jam & grape jelly?
ME: well one's real cool & gets all the girls & the other's jelly
12: I hate you
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 23, 2018
56. What’s In A Name?
I don’t like calling it a “dad bod.” I prefer “father figure.”
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) February 28, 2018
55. Single Life
My son wanted to know what it was like being a single dad so I took away his favorite toy and told him he could only play with it on the weekends and holidays of my choosing
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 4, 2018
54. Who’s The Boss?
me: pls don't do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 26, 2018
53. Orange You Glad You Have Kids?
If listening to a 4yo cry because oranges only come in orange sounds fun, parenting is for you.
— The Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 12, 2018
52. The Proof is in the Pudding
You know what part of having kids is dumb? That part where I’m cleaning pudding out of my remote control right now.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 17, 2018
51. Sound Strategy
7-year-old: Can I wear high heels?
7: So I can reach the candy.
Valid fashion choice.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2018
50. Tough Crowd
You know you're truly a parent when you are required to show the pictures in the book you are reading to the stuffed animals in the room.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 7, 2018
49. Crying Over Spilled Coffee
Enjoying coffee as a parent:
1: buy coffee
2: attempt to push buggy with one hand, spilling scalding coffee on your hand
3: spill more coffee
4: when your hand is sufficiently scalded, chug still-scalding coffee as fast as you can
5: throw remaining 5/8ths of coffee in bin
— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) January 9, 2018
48. Sick and Tired
I’m staying home to take my sick kid to the doctor, where we can sit in the waiting room and make sure to catch every disease we don’t already have.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 5, 2018
47. Practice Makes Perfect
OMG! Someone laughed at a thing I did. I should probably do it 8,746 more times in a row to see if they laugh again!
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 13, 2018
46. Stud, Sweat, and Tears
*nominates “Stud Finder” for Dad Joke Hall of Fame*
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 4, 2018
45. Trick and Treat
5: I have a trick I want to try.
Me: go for it.
5: close your eyes and focus on your favourite childhood toy.
(15 seconds later)
Me: what do I do next?
5: the trick is over. I took a cookie.
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) January 10, 2018
44. Chip Off the Old Block
My daughter just walked over and pulled a potato chip from my hoodie pocket and ate it. I have so many questions.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 18, 2018
43. All Grown Up
Do I miss the days when my kids were small? Sure.
Do I like it better now that my son is old enough to watch Quentin Tarantino movies with me? HELL YES.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 16, 2018
42. Who’s Your Daddy?
me: son, come here
wife: please don’t call him son, it’s weird
me: *petting rat* but I’m a proud daddy
— uopuɐɹq (@BraandoCommando) December 18, 2018
41. The Morning Routine
Only parents know “pre-school” is not just another name for nursery school but also describes the chaotic time before you get the screaming monsters to school. pic.twitter.com/dcECX2ufZb
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 24, 2018
40. Dad Evolution
Before kids: I could have probably aged into a silver fox.
After kids: I'm aging into a silver sloth.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 30, 2018
39. About A Toy
You can always tell if a toy was designed by someone who doesn't have kids.
No off switch? No kids.
Only one super loud volume setting? No kids.
As fragile as a Ming vase? No kids.#parenting
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) January 2, 2018
38. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Teacher: we need to talk about your son's attendance
Me: attendance? he hasn't missed a class all year
T: that's the problem. Can you give us a fucking break? Like just a day or something
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 4, 2018
37. What’s the Password?
Dad 1: *peers through slit in door* password.
Dad 2: hi password. I'm Dad.
Dad 1: *unlocks door approvingly*
— Quilliam (@nyquills) November 11, 2018
36. Sledbeat Dad
Taking your kids sledding is a fun and exciting way to discover how out of shape you are.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 12, 2018
35. Plead the Fifth
My 3-year-old cut a huge chunk out of her hair.
Nobody knows when or how.
My wife grilled her about it, but she said nothing.
She knows her rights.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2018
34. Throw In The Towel
Don’t know what’s worse
1) My 8yo called me upstairs to bring him a towel that was two feet away from him
2) I did it
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 22, 2018
33. A Night At The Theater
I’m stuck saving 5 seats for a first grade play and you know what? I’m not enjoying this at all.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2018
32. In Control
*goes into parental control settings and adds caillou to restricted list*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 28, 2018
Subtweet to one of my kids but I’m not sure which one: how do you keep getting that much poop ON the toilet seat
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 19, 2018
30. Here Comes the Sun
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 23, 2018
29. What Do You Mean?
Expressions that took on a more literal meaning after having kids:
– let the cat out of the bag
– that's the last straw
– I see the writing on the wall
– let your sister off the hook
– don't bury your head in the sand
Parents, share some of yours in the replies!
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 14, 2018
28. Loud and Proud
If only the objective of parenting was to raise really louds kids, I would be killing it.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) January 3, 2018
27. Handle With Care
Parenting tip: Buy your toddler a pop up book for them to enjoy once and then destroy.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 12, 2018
26. Keep ‘Em Laughing
*Dragging my son by the collar to my 20 year high school reunion.*
Me: “Tell him. Tell him how funny I am.”
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) May 10, 2018
25. Still Waiting
Me on my last day working as a waiter: "I'm just glad I won't have to spend the rest of my life touching things that have been in other people's mouths."
Me on my first day being a father: "Oh…"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 9, 2018
24. Dazed and Confused
My son showed me how to do large multiplication problems the way he’s taught to do it, and I’m no longer qualified to do 3rd grade math
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 12, 2018
23. Ye Olde Dad
5-year-old: Did you build our house?
Me: It's over 100 years old.
5: Well, did you?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2018
22. Life Finds a Way
Son: you think you could make it out of Jurassic Park alive?
Me: *struggling just to make it through day to day life* without a doubt
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 16, 2018
21. Wake Up and Smell the Bourbon
Wife: ARE YOU DRINKING AT 8 AM?!
Me: Because of the blizzard we are stuck in the house with four kids.
Wife: Make mine a double.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 4, 2018
20. Urine For a Treat
Congratulations on the birth of your son, and your bathroom smelling like urine for the rest of your life.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 25, 2018
19. Before Breakfast
My only goal for today was to get up early enough to get to the new cereal boxes before my kids so that I could open the bags inside of them properly as opposed to them being mauled as if by a wild badger.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) February 26, 2018
18. What’s Your Secret?
Other parent: we don’t give our kids sugar
Me: how do you get them to do anything ever?
— The Dad (@thedad) January 15, 2018
17. A Gift for Teacher
Me: how was school today?
6: good but the year's almost over and it's nice outside so I don't like being in class.
Me: what can we do about it?
6: give my teacher wine as a gift?
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) May 24, 2018
16. Is This Just Fantasy?
My fantasy football teams have gradually gotten worse since I became a parent, but my knowledge of the Disney Junior lineup is getting scary.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 28, 2018
15. I Want Candy
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2018
14. Do As I Say…
I’m stoked that my kid is emulating me, but he just tried to rip open a small bag of nails with his teeth at the Home Depot kids workshop because “that’s how daddy opens his bags of mini muffins”. #badhabit
— Brian J (@Beej1984) January 7, 2018
13. Hiding Place
“These desserts would be great to hide Benadryl in”
-my friend, saying most parental thing I’ve ever heard
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 24, 2018
12. Who Dis?
7-year-old: Can I have my own phone?
Me: Do you have anyone to call?
7: Do you?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2018
11. Relive Your Youth
Your kids have a way of making you relive your youth.
Like when I'm watching my toddler take an hour to eat one banana, I think back to my younger years without kids.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 24, 2018
10. If You Please
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 7, 2018
9. Responsible Parenting
I know my 6yo will adjust swimmingly to parenting should she take that path because I just broke the news to her that her Tamagotchi died and she responded:
"Good. That damn thing was so loud and annoying.'
— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) April 14, 2018
8. I Donut Play Favorites
Of my three kids, I don't have a favorite. I do like the one that brought me a donut home from school the other day more than the others though. I forget his name.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 18, 2018
7. Just Desserts
– Our 4yo trying to swear.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) December 2, 2018
6. Defeat the Baby
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby pic.twitter.com/p3sEUcTgYa
— Michael Margolis (@yipe) June 9, 2018
5. Gotta Catch’em All!
I just drove my daughter to sit in a bowling alley parking lot at 10:44pm so she could catch Pokémon. What the fuck is my life?
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 28, 2018
4. The Whole Tooth
Electric toothbrushes: Because my kids found it hard to get toothpaste on the ceiling with regular ones.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 23, 2018
3. Bounce House Surprise
Parenting tip: Add a new level of excitement to your child's birthday party bounce house by throwing four live raccoons into the mix.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 24, 2018
2. For The Birds
*5:30 in the morning*
7yo: (standing outside wide awake) I like hearing the birds sing!
Me: (mainlining caffeine) I’m gonna need a paternity test.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2018
1. Hit Series Idea
"1000 Ways to Die," only it's me trying to navigate the sea of scattered toys my toddler left all over the living room.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 15, 2018
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